Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
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Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it