I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
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Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life