when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
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Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.