Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
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My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
This makes total sense…
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.