JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
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Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.