If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
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Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
When customers come in 6 hours before closing