[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
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“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
This is true.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.