“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
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When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger