I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
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Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Mmmm. Shoeshi
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
smh
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me