I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
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I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then