You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
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I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
When they try to steal your moment.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.