On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
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My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.