9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
You Might Also Like
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Yup
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories