jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
You Might Also Like
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.