Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
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If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.