The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
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my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.