[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
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They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Found the job I’m suited for
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Perfect
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.