I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
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Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here