Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
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Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Saturday
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.