I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
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Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.