[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
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My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.