Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
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My spirit animal is fried chicken
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION