You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
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My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.