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when i donate my body to science, theyβll be like ok do we have any other options?
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
My dad, a Canadian: βI canβt believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holidayβ
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. Iβve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through schoolβs 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if theyβve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
My toxic trait is that I answer βspam likelyβ calls, because maybe I can fix them.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
this article brought to you by lions
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and donβt have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, heβs using the litter box
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, βThere he is!β anytime someone enters a room.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, theyβre too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I donβt know about eating 8 spiders a year but Iβm definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancΓ© with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.