If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
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[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out