If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
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“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
❤️🦆
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.