The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
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You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
guilty
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time