I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
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When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.