Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
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Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
the noise i just made