Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
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In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
A man of commitment.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no