I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
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I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
What even happened today?
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*