Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
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Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
58.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”