Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
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Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.