and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
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me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED