Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
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[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
It do be feeling this way.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.