Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
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I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.