I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
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me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
my dog when i have a friend over
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Carpe DM
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.