I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
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(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha