Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
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Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
This raises questions
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.