If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
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Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie