Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
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Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.