E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
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That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
<—- homeless romantic
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Just a phase…
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
This why you should mind your business
technically true but not a great slogan
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard