Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
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With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Hey! This isn’t my car!
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.