EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
You Might Also Like
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Damn what did I do next
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)