When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
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If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
I’m not stressed