[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
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I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Worst perfume name ever.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.