Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
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I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Oh my God.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Love it! 👍😂
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.