the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
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*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?