Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
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Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Only a mother’s love …
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Always 🥴
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.