My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
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My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
それは草
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.